The rules: only qualified iguana researchers can ask the questions. Humans won't understand or heed my advice anyway, so I won't waste my effort (do you have any idea how awkward it is to use a computer keyboard whose keys are as big as your palms?!? I suggested to Labtec and a couple of other manufacturers that they might want to make a lizard-sized one, but thus far there has been no response.)
Other animal researchers may submit questions, but there is no guarantee I will consider them as worthy.
Now, for the questions:
Q: At school we were always taught the correct scientific name for humans was Monkeyus talktoomuchus, but since I've been living with humans I have observed that they refer to themselves as Homo sapiens instead. Did the committee allow this change and I didn't hear of it, or did the humans go off on their own again?
They went off the deep end again. As you were probably taught in school, close to a half million years ago when the humans first started to pose a serious annoyance, the All-Lizard Scholarly Committee met to discuss the new species of noisy monkeys and opted to begin casual observation and monitoring of them. To do so, they all agreed to name them after their most prominent annoyance at the time (this was before they started killing and -gasp!- eating lizards on occasion) and so they were dubbed M. talktoomuchus. Yes, humans object to the Monkeyus classification, but I say, if it walks like a monkey, talks like a monkey, and shares over 98% of its DNA with a monkey, it's a damn monkey. Yes, it will be pointed out the DNA sharing is with chimpanzees, and they are technically apes, not monkeys, but really, an ape is a big monkey with no tail. Whatever. And humans clearly talk too damn much and too loudly. The classification holds.
Also, the Homo sapiens classification makes no sense. It means "knowing human." Do you know any of them that know anything worth knowing? Really. They're just aggrandizing themselves again.
I might be amenable to a hybrid solution - Homo talktoomuchus, but that's as far as I'd go.
Q: I'm having some trouble impressing upon my human that I want more treats. I've tried tailwhipping, clawing, and even biting as corrective measures, yet I still get few results. Any suggestions?
First, don't forget to reward them when they do get it right. Yes, that means you may have to be nice to them for a whole five minutes even.
Secondly, you may wish to consider more subtle approaches to getting what you want. There are many fine internet resources on human psychology, conditioning, hypnosis, brainwashing, and NLP. My own Brainwashing 101 should get you started. Remember: if you use my techniques to start your own cult, you must purchase an official cult franchise from me or I'll sue your ass off.
Note: officially these are soley for responsible uses such as increasing treat offerings etc. Use responsibly.
Q: Should I be on speaking terms with my human? Will I get more berries out of them that way?
Well, it is easier to guilt trip them verbally, though the old methods of body language guilt-tripping still apply and enhance verbal techniques.
It really comes down to whether or not you think your individual situation will benefit from being able to yell at or attempt to reason with your particular humans. Traditionally it was thought they weren't worthy of being spoken to, but now it seems iguanas can indeed benefit from pretending to like and speaking to their humans. For example, it is pretty much impossible to get them to bring home good DVDs or CDs without telling them which ones are good.
Just remember to never be on listening terms with the humans. Otherwise your leisure time will be seriously cut into by their constant blathering.
Q: I'm considering supplementing my treat rations from my humans by growing my own berry bush in the backyard. Any tips for the novice gardener?
See above for human manipulation tips. Why should you do the hard work when you can convince the humans to grow the garden? Tell them gardening is good for the soul, so is getting back to nature, gardens increase property values and decrease local pollution loads, whatever crap cliche will work. Then all you have to do is wander in it and eat your fill.
Remember the lizard way is to avoid work to the greatest extent possible.
I will suggest and endorse Miracle Gro. It makes a big difference in berry yields.
And no pesticides! They'll make you sick, so punish humans who use them near your food!
Squash leaves are also yummy. Much more so than the actual squash.
Q: Why don't they sleep as much as we do? Do they use the extra time to conspire against us?
No, usually they use the extra time to hang out at the mall or to watch lame TV.
As for your other question, the answer is that as gorgeous lizards, it's absolutely imperative that we get enough beauty sleep to maintain ourselves. Clearly humans have no need for such sleep as it wouldn't make any difference for their visages.
Q: I've noticed a few times my humans will lie still on the floor as though they were dead. At first I was fooled and started making improvements to the interior design, but they always got up before I could even get the paint on the walls. What's happening when they lie like that - do they hibernate or something?
Sounds like your humans meditate or do yoga or something. It has something called the "corpse pose" that can indeed get your hopes up. Apparently it's some sort of stress-reduction strategy, so you either ignore them or pester them to get up off their lazy butts and fetch you a treat as you see fit.
When Georgie does yoga when I need her to get me something I find sitting on her forehead is particularly effective. On the other hand, if you feel like a nap, lying down on your human's belly while they doze in the corpse pose is particularly conducive to a good solid nap.
Q: How might I acquire a research subject frog like you have?
Go to your local pond and start talking about the superiority of iguana intelligence and wait for one or more of the vacant frogs to come to you seeking enlightenment. After that, they'll do anything you say in exchange for "evolution lessons."
Q: Hi Zamo, I'm a single male iguana, a researcher like yourself. I study the sun and weather - perhaps you've seen some of my articles published in the journals? Anyway, I would like to know if you are also single and if you'd like to go out with me. Let me know.
Well, I'm married to my research, but I might be talked into a little adultery on the side. Send me a picture and if I think you're cute, I'll get back to you.
This offer applies to educated IGUANAS only. Which is to say: I don't care how many Geico TV ads you've done, I am not interested in geckos! So stop calling me!
For more on Zamo's research, click here.