First, you get the brain out of the head, take a scrub brush and some lysol and go to task... just kidding. That's far too messy and that kind of brainwashing just leads to floor and wall washing. Too much work.
Brainwashing is really about getting your human to give you whatever you want and let you do whatever you want, and to make the human happy about the situation. There are also many subtle ways to do this, and the subtle ways usually work better. Basically the idea is to promote the superiority of lizards in human minds.
Most important are the language-based methods. If you can muck about with the language processing, they're all yours. For example, in many languages, the rulers have their own verbal conjugations or even their own dialects. Even in English, rulers tend to speak more elegantly. Keep this in mind when speaking to humans. Always talk at least one level above them.
As for conjugations, I like the idea of making a specific conjugation that only lizards can use. Suggestions welcome. It will send the message "lizards are special," and that's one step from "lizards are better."
Other ideas:
- Tell them obeying lizards is in the bible. It probably isn't, but they probably won't bother to check. If they do, say it was in one of the supressed gnostic bibles - there's about a thousand of those, and they definitely won't bother to check them all.
- Tell them all the coolest celebrities are befriending and pampering iguanas.
- Talk about your needs and wants and feelings as a lizard. These sort of "I- statements" apparently increase your odds of being listened to - ex. "I want and need half an orange right now or I'll tailwhip you again."
- Give them choices. "You can give me either a bunch of grapes or half a mandarin or some banana slices."
- Pretend to have things in common with them. If you want some crust of the pizza they order while watching movies, sit on the edge of the sofa and stare blankly at the TV as though you were watching. They'll never know you're actually zoned out and meditating or even plotting against them and whoever makes those terrible chick flicks.
- Talk obsessively about things you like. If you want the new Rammstein DVD, talk endlessly about how cool the last five DVDs were and your expectations for the new one.
- Guilt-trips work well too. Svelte iguanas can suck in their bellies and stick out their ribs when they want treats; the rest of us can act depressed until the human forks over the goodies.
- Tell them you love them. It doesn't have to be true. Or you can love them in a patronizing way - it doesn't matter, but humans often respond to such statements by offering presents.
- Don't forget to tilt you head at different angles and open your eyes wide while staring at them for treats - no one understands why, but they tend to think it's cute and they treat cute iguanas more.
- Whisper into their ears while they sleep. Your words will go straight to their subconscious mind, which is what controls most people. According to Anton LaVey, the best time is during dreaming/REM sleep about an hour and a half or so before they will awaken. Often, or at least in the summer, this will correspond to just after your first morning sun basking. Just pop into their room on the way to and/or from your best sunning spot and their brain is all yours.
- Hint that bad, ominous, dire things happen to people who don't give treats to iguanas. If there is a news report about a grisly car wreck, suggest that they probably never gave an iguana a neck rub. It's probably true, but totally unrelated to the mode of death, and the best part is that it doesn't have to be. Your human's brain will connect the two anyway.
- Classic conditioning involves being nice to the humans to reward them for good behavior such as treat-giving, neck-rubbing, being quiet during naptimes, and letting you watch whatever TV you want. Withhold rewards otherwise.
- Try making them think there's something in it for them. Maybe if you have an itchy neck with shedding skin you can tell them you read a study saying scratching iguana necks lowers human blood pressure and thus reduces heart attack risks and that you care so much for their health you're willing to let them scratch your neck.
- Bribe them. Offer a twenty dollar bill for control of the remote. You can often find twenty dollar bills in your human's wallet, and more affluent people might not even notice where you got it from.
- If you've got too much time on your hands, you can try NLP techniques, but all that pacing and leading requires you to listen and pay attention to them more than you really care to. Likewise, you can try to hypnotize them and plant suggestions, but that requires a bit more cooperation from the humans or trickery on your part. However, the payoff can be enormous as you can effectively burrow into their brain such that they automatically do your bidding without you bothering to order them to.
In addition, there are some great web resources on these topics that are worth checking out.