Customer Newsletter Winter 2007

Coming in the summer of 2008, those iguanas with an eye to world domination (and we know that's all of you!) can begin the conquest with our newest product: the Crush 'Em Dead, Ig! Tank! For peaceful purposes only - wink, wink!

Artist's conception of the Crush 'Em Dead, Ig! Tank

In accordance with popular demand, we have expanded our line of iguana sized computer input devices. After all, what good is a "hand-sized" (human) mouse when it's as big as your belly? Our UltraIg Mouse is the smallest, most comfortable laser mouse in the world and now it's wireless! We also carry left handed models. All our UltraIg Mouse models come with a 360 degree scroll ball and two mouse buttons. For added amusement, all of the latest line of UltraIg Mouse models can be set up to remote control your human's computer and override their mouse. You can mess with their minds as they move the mouse one way while the cursor goes another. You can delete their precious essays they just spent days working at 4:15 in the morning it's due. You can ruin their ugly photos. You can email their porn collections to their dates and/or bosses. Loads of fun!

For those artistically inclined iguanas we have our new UltraIg Graphics Tablets. We are also working on our new line of tiny UltraIg Digicams for the Fall 2008 catalogue. With this new development, the world of photography will no longer be restricted. Our cameras will be formatted for both artistic photography and surveillance purposes in order to facillitate the broadest possible range of applications for our customers. In other camera news, the UltraIg Human Spy System of hidden closed circuit surveillance cameras now comes with a bonus monitor, so you can check up on the monkeys from two locations - very convenient for those times you just don't feel like climbing the stairs to your hideout to find out what they're up to and why it's so suspiciously quiet.

The new UltraIg Digicam - Pre-Order yours today!

Speaking of quiet, we've made improvements to the Shut the Hell Up! Human Noise-Blocking System. Now the kit includes nifty automatic dispensers for the duct tape rolls, making it far easier to silence your critics. And we'll be launching the new Electro Shut the Hell Up! System in the summer once beta testing is complete.

And yes, we have now rectified that gaping hole in our product line where home weather stations should have always been. Our new UltraIg Weather System provides the most accurate weather information on the market with second by second updates. And to keep things cosy even when the weather isn't, the UltraIg Weather System features wireless remote sensing and comes with ten convenient and durable sensors you can place wherever you like to hang out so you can always know which basking spot is the warmest before you even go out the door. And the portable monitoring device is so convenient you can take it with you anywhere: you'll never be caught in an inferior sunspot again! It also has an automatic rain warning system for those days you might as well just stay in bed - why bother climbing out and walking to the window to check if you're just going to want to go right back to bed?

We are also pleased to announce that we have now figured out how to have our billing charges listed as service charges on your human's credit card bill. This means you can spend to your heart's content and it will never ever get traced back to you. Just another way that IguanAccess puts you first!

Hi, I'm Dupree and I just wanted to let everyone know how products from IguanAccess have changed my life. A year ago I thought the people were conspiring to make me stay with their cousin for two weeks while they went on vacation, so I ordered the You Got Something to Say to Me? Home Phone Wire Tapping Kit. Well, it turned out they weren't conspiring, but even better than that, I found out the male human is having an affair! You can bet I turned that information into tons of extra treats and a new adventure climbing loft in my room - oh yes! Now I have my own room and the two human kids have to share the attic room! Thanks, IguanAccess!

My name is Kiki and I found my humans weren't getting me truly organic veggies like I insisted. They were lying to me! So, I ordered the Monkey Tracker Electronic Car Tracing System and sure enough, they were just going to the corner supermarket and not the organic farmers' market. Not wanting to give my secret away, I ordered the exclusive authorized Swami Zamo Hat and convinced them I was psychic. Now they go where I tell them!

Skipe here, just wanting to thank you for the Climb-A-Lot Auto Rappelling System - it really makes getting up to the top of the bookcase so much easier!

I'm Sparty and I like to keep tabs on the neighborhood cats. Well, you can imagine that trying to use my humans' binoculars was a nightmare - they're so big and bulky and I kept dropping them off the roof. Then my cousin told me about IguanAccess - wow! What a difference! Your Tabs on Tabbies Kit was a miracle - not only does it have the tiny but super-powerful telephoto zoom scope that's small enough for me, but with the twenty bonus mounting brackets, I can securely spy on them from lots of great angles. And both the radioactive blow dart gun and the bonus monitor have also proven invaluable in the war against feline aggression. Keep up the good work!

Hi, this is Thad. I just wanted to say how glad I am for IguanAccess' Shut the Hell Up! Cellphone Jammer. My humans always used to yammer on the damn cellphones non-stop. I couldn't take it anymore. But now, all I have to do is push a button and their phones die and I can nap in peace. You have no idea how grateful I am.

Hey there, it's Heiz. Thanks for the really cool UltraIg Keyboard - keeping my blog is so much easier now that I can just type and not tap each key with the pencil eraser.

Hello, this is Nortes. I don't know what I'd do without the Because I Said So! Vet's Note Generator. Well, I do actually - eating yucky "health" food and exercising! Thanks!

I love the new door openers and my Lockbox Wizard 2000, but it has occured to me there might be one problem - I have files I don't want my human getting at and they might have similar technology. Do you offer any security solutions to keep their drippy noses out of my stuff?

Yes, we absolutely do! New from IguanAccess: the Anti-Human Invisibility Device. Lay it overtop of your secret documents and it disguises them as advanced mathematical proofs. Guaranteed to keep 99.9% of humans out of your business!

And for those of you who prefer electronic files, try our new software RegIgstry - your files are hidden in the bowels of the registry (PC) or Perl 5.8.6 scripts (Mac). Your humans don't even know those folders exist, let alone what is and isn't supposed to be there. It carries the same guarantee as our off-line Anti-Human Invisibility Device, but without the hassle of lugging it around.

And soon we will be unveiling our latest invention: In collaboration with Gumstix Inc., we will be launching our new line of ultra-compact full-function computer hardware in March of 2008. No more lugging around those big clunky Palm Pilots that haven't even got a whole lot of functionality! Now with the new Igstix you just saddle up to your human's computer, plug it in to the USB jack, use the big computer to work and save your documents to the Igstix. When you're done, unplug and hide your Igstix. The humans will never know you even have one!

By the way, you really should upgrade to the newest Lockbox Wizard 3000 - it's worth it for the extra features, and it's not your money anyway!

Will you be producing any tools to covertly control the TV? I've tried just using the big human remote, but they tend to pilfer it and I end up having to listen to inane human-interest programs.

We have taken your suggestion to our R&D department. Keep your eyes peeled in Summer 2008. In the meantime, unplug the TV.

My human has the worst alarm clock in the world! It screeches for fifteen minutes straight every morning during my first morning nap before they finally get up and shut it off. Do you have any products that could remedy this problem?

We sure do! First, you could try the Up and At 'Em People Prod. It's a bit unwieldy, but we think you'll find it a rather satisfying way to get them to shut that alarm off ASAP. It works by a subtle electrical shock to stimulate the human brain into movement mode at the touch of a button.

Mornings are a breeze with the Up and At 'Em People Prod.

(Note: Despite the rumors, the Up and At 'Em People Prod is not the same as our world-renowned I Said Leave Me Alone! Human Correction Device. You really do need to have both in your collection.)

If you're finding that isn't working on your particular human, or if you'd rather continue to sleep, you have two options: 1. You could hire a human crew to soundproof the human's room so that wherever you like to nap, it's nice and silent where you are no matter how loud the alarm may be. 2. You can try our tried and true Shut the Hell Up! Sound Replacement System. This is our version of a white noise generator which plays soothing sounds in your nap-space while broadcasting a silent frequency that scrambles other noises so you can still sleep in peace.

We recommend the second option as it's proven more effective over time.

Our Vision:

A world open to iguanas, free of restrictions and barriers.

Our Mission:

To make the finest aspects of the technological world work for iguanas.

IguanAccess is a production of Zamo the Destroyer and is subject to the same copyright notices.

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